Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Hovel of Haberdashery

Silverfish Camouflage Underpants

As I've stated previously, as well as being a man of science pertaining to both the mind and body, an impeccable gourmand, an expert in animal husbandry (ask me anything about chickens, giant frogs or squabs and I will have you on the edge of your seat for hours at a stretch), a philosopher and observer of the cosmos as well as an amateur plastics injection moulder, I am also a haberdasher extraordinaire who has trained with some of the finest tailors on Saville Row to various schmatta sweatshop owners in Eastern Europe and the Orient, utilizing materials you wouldn't imagine could touch human skin let alone catch on fire so easily. It is through this teaching, much like in the old country where you ate every part of the cow and pig, that I have learned to use materials for my clothing creations that most people would just throw in the waste bin. On the throw-away theme, it was precisely this no-waste philosophy that led me to fabricate my famed silverfish camouflage underpants that have garnered fans from as far away as New Jersey and as close as Sudbury.
These three men may be wearing stylish underpants but they are a weak barrier against an onslaught of silverfish. The vermin's antennae can sense these briefs from at least fifty feet, even more perhaps, and looking good counts for nothing when the silverfish are crawling up your legs. And the sunglasses don't help either as this type of disguise is better suited for tricking houseflies, bumblebees or any other insect with hexagon eyes.
And the key to their success in two words or less, or actually three words with a hyphen in between if you live east of the Rockies or north of the Mississippi, is toilet paper rolls. There is no end to the use of these wonderful cardboard foundations and it is their strength at being a supporting structure that I have long admired and thus applied towards being the base for my silverfish underwear disguise. The fact is, killing silverfish is a difficult task, being as they are so fast and ready to run at the drop of a hat or underpants for that matter, so quick wits and the desire to see the process through is mandatory to eliminating the psychological hold these creatures can wield over you. Thus, toilet paper tubes are the answer in the first step towards making your underpants silverfish-friendly in order to get closer to them for a full-on killing frenzy. Now we've all seen those whimsical craft projects involving toilet paper tubes and using this for inspiration, I have adapted the tubes to my more devious pursuits.
Example 1.) This multi-armed little critter shown above might be useful for charming an octopus but when it comes to silverfish, he's almost useless. Of course, I experimented with versions of this construction before casting it aside and although the googly eyes had their benefits, the silverfish at once recognized it as not one of their own and fled for the hills or really the under linoleum that lines the bathroom floor. Next, was this happy little family of vermin (Example 2, shown below) that I created hoping for strength in numbers and variety of vermin species, but alas, this too proved to be a failure for silverfish but most useful for driving back my neighbour, Voltar's, pet guinea pig, Nunzio, who ran squeaking from my presence. I will eat him one day if given my way.
Finally, I hit upon this solution, my best effort yet. After careful study of the silverfish body and with a pair of toenail scissors and nimble fingers, I engineered this facsimile of the pest in question and quickly moved into mass production.

Luckily for me I had been saving toilet paper rolls by the dozens for just such an emergency, so it was not difficult to construct twenty of these effigies and using one of my saggier pairs of underwear because of space affordability on their surface, with silver duct tape to accentuate the whole silverfish motif, I stuck them to the skivvies and wasted no time in donning my creation and putting them to the test in the bathroom. I lay in wait, well, crouched actually, preparing myself psychologically for the battle. I'm sad to say, this first foray into silverfish reconnaissance was not a success until I realized a vital element was missing.
So I constructed these antennae using more toilet paper tubes strung through with shoelaces and painted black to simulate the dappling effect of moonlight shimmering through the window screen and reflecting off the silverfish backs. Once adhered to my already well-disguised underwear, I knew the results would be nothing more than fantastic. And I was right. Again I got into my crouch, remained perfectly still and let the faux-silverfish adhered to my underpants work their magic. In no time the real silverfish came creeping out, took me for one of their own and began to surround me as they would their own brother, paying me no bother as I remained motionless. As a testament to my camouflage underpants, a few silverfish even went so far as to attempt to mate with me and it was not long after this that I came out swinging. My particular weapon of choice for this silverfish mission was Don Quixote by Cervantes, a book I still have never read so stay tuned for a review. Anyway, the Spaniard did his thing, as adept at slaying silverfish as he was at dragons and windmills, and after ten minutes of fervent smashing with this hefty book, my bathroom floor looked like the beaches of Normandy on D-Day, except this time it was the bad guys' bodies that littered the landscape, pulverized beyond recognition. Elation filled me like two beef and bean burritos and a Big Gulp Cherry Slurpee from 7-11.
I'd also like to say that my camouflage silverfish underpants are gender friendly so, ladies, do not feel left out of the vermin extermination picture. Any of the above woman's underwear is perfectly adaptable to my design although I don't recommend flowers for this particular endeavor as the waft of the floral bouquet might make the silverfish a tad ansty. So, there you have it. A do-it-yourself project that the whole family can enjoy and it's educational for the kids too since between silverfish swatting they can read pages from their chosen weapons of destruction making homework never seem so fun, interesting and just downright exciting.

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