"Are you feeling comfortable, Voltar?"
"Yes, this is a very nice chair. How much you pay for this? Maybe you want to sell to me."
"Perhaps. Why are you asking this? Are you insecure about your own furniture? Maybe this insecurity is part of a larger problem?"
"What are you? Nuts? I just like the chair."
"Okay. Forget that. Listen to this and tell me your thoughts. The ideal wife would be a beautiful, sex-starved deaf mute who owns a liquor store."
"What th'hell's that supposed to mean? You really are crazy."
"Ah, yes, typical avoidance and perhaps some misgivings about your own identity. Okay, try this next. A penthouse suite is very swell, but some girls want a suit with two pairs of pents."
"I don't know no pents. Listen, I've gotta go and check on Nunzio."
"No. Wait. I think the borscht belt is working. Do you feel it vibrating?"
"Only thing vibrating is your brain. With nuttiness. I always told Mrs, Grabowsky, don't rent to that guy. He's got a coupla' screws loose."
"Take a look at this picture and tell me what you see."
|The original box the Oedipus complex was kept in after Freud discovered it. Here's two of Freud's students showing off its contents.|
"Have you ever felt like killing your father?"
"What? Have you seen a doctor?"
"I am a doctor, my good man. Now answer my question."
"Jeez, my father's dead. Sheep shearing accident. Very ugly. And they make my mother pay for the bloodstains in the wool. Three bags full."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Now, have you ever had any feelings towards your mother that weren't, uh, exactly of a maternal nature?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. You mean, like I accidentally lose her dentures down the garbage disposal so she'll give me some of those steaks she keeps in her deep freezer. After all, she can't eat what she can't chew and me, I'm sick of wieners and beans."
"Wieners. Interesting. Have you ever felt any pangs of penis envy."
"Okey dokey. See you later. Actually, I never want to see you again. If you see me in the hallway, look the other way or hide on the fire escape 'cause I'm sure as shit gonna punch you in the face."
"Hmm, deep seated aggression, especially when you feel threatened by another male in the vicinity. Marking of the territory. Do you urinate outdoors frequently?"
"Son of a bitch. This goddamn belt contraption's leaking. I swear to god, you gonna pay for my dry cleaning if I get borscht in my pants."
"Hmm, fear of fluids, I perceive. Have you heard that there's a parallel between a woman's breasts and a Martini. One is not enough and three are too many. On that note, are you lactose intolerant?"
I wish I could say that I was successful in delving deep into Voltar's psyche with the borscht belt in full swing as it were, but after he removed the belt of borscht and hit me across the head with it, causing beets to splatter across the room in a kind of abstract-expressionist motif that would've pleased Jung but ticked Freud off no end, my results were jeopardized. So, what is to be concluded from these findings? Can both the casual and man-about-town borscht belt ever be obtained?